Survivors of abuse need support when going through recovery besides just having a therapist. My husband Frank of 29 years has been my main support person. Navigating any relationship has it's difficulties but being a partner or spouse of a survivor does have it's ups and downs and can be challenging. During my recovery I discovered there were no manuals for a support person besides the book "Allies in Healing" written by Laura Davis who co-authored "The Courage to Heal". Even though I bought the book hoping my husband Frank would read it, he wasn't much for reading something other than a Hot Rod car magazine so we ended up finding out on our own what worked and what didn't work when it came to supporting me. These were the most relevant that were the things that I needed both from my therapist and from him to have attunement in my healing. Safe Person Giving saftey to the survivor is absolutely essential. Giving space for them to be themselves, allowing for their emotions, providing a safe home, being that person who you can confide in any hour of the day or night, keeping confidentiality, being able to protect against an attack. Encouraging you to not give up and to get help when having suicidal thoughts. Trust Being reliable (if you say you’re going to do something, then follow through), being dependable, consistent, predictable. Provide stability. Be genuine without teasing or saying or doing things to cause the survivor to question their reality. Believing them is a necessary part of promoting trust.
Support and guidance = Offer support to help them cope. Provide guidance, give information, make suggestions when asked. Don’t give advice or your opinion. Give comfort using kind words. Soothe with appropriate safe touch. * Touch can diffuse anger, and help the other person to emotionally regulate and help them feel grounded in reality. Connecting Put yourself in their shoes. Allow them to be genuine; authentic self/selves. See things from their perspective even if you disagree. Be attentive to nonverbal clues and body language (facial expressions, body posture). Holding the other person without expectations (appropriate safe touch) *Note* this need can change depending on emotions and what part is fronting Receiving Being receptive. Being fully present. Nodding, making eye contact. Actively listening without trying to fix the other person. Reflect back by repeating back to them what they said. Positive expressions on face.. (like smiling at them) Don’t give your personal feelings on the topic while they’re sharing. Keep that for a later time unless they want feedback. Encouraging Be warm and friendly. Affirm and validate their feelings and experience. Wait for a break as you listen, then name what you notice. Thank them for being brave enough to share. Tell them they are courageous for talking about the abuse. Tell them that it’s reasonable and normal to have these feelings. Be aware of and process your own emotions, talking with a therapist, if necessary. Being attentive Turn towards the person you are with. Make eye contact. Have a friendly posture. Give of your time. Give them space. Show empathy.
Allow them to express emotions. * Without getting defensive or taking it personal. (Especially true with anger) Reflect back to them what you hear them saying and feeling.
Believe them Believing what the survivor is telling them (many survivors were told that if they say anything no one will believe them)
. All of these send the message that “I am here with you”
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