For years people would tell me…Just put the past behind you
Just give it to God
“When are you going to stop talking about your past and just get over this and move on?”
Challenging Content: mention of trafficking, rape, torture, mind control, ritual abuse, God
They didn't understand that I had to recall what happened to me and face the excruciating emotional pain that was utterly unbearable as an innocent child and that in desperation I had to go away while fragmented parts were created to just survive. Those parts of me were so deeply hidden…even from my conscious self.
How do you put the devastating past behind you when it has been completely blocked from your own conscious memory? So many well-meaning people don't understand that it's not like I consciously knew what was happening as it was happening. It was carefully hidden from me and contained in fractured parts of my mind that were walled off from each other and from me. . How do you give it wholly to God when I felt like He abandoned me when I had to disconnect from and abandon myself and feel the profound disconnect from Him too? There was a wide deep chasm between parts of self and I and between God and I. When will I stop talking about my scarred past? Isn't our complex past what makes us who we are; not in a way that defines us or says who we are, but doesn't it form the person that we ultimately become? In so many ways it was woven into every cell of my mind, body, and soul. How could I stop talking about my past when that is what got me to today?
I have worked incredibly hard to overcome what happened to me and to have victory in so many ways. That's a huge accomplishment to have a testimony to the resilience of the human spirit. No longer talking about my past in the context of healing would be like erasing the memory of what happened to the little girl that was me all over again. Not mentioning what happened to her would be like covering her up again.
How could I just get over it?
Do you tell a person with a traumatic head injury or stroke to just get over their memory issues or paralysis? How could I just get over the devastating effects of torture, rape, being trafficked, being exploited, being mind controlled, being robbed of my little child innocence? You don't just get over being dehumanized, demoralized, and de-emotionalized. No living soul can just get over that. I will live with the lasting effects of all of that my whole life.
To answer the question of “When am I going to move on?” I would like to say that… I courageously moved on over and over again and here are just a few of the ways I’ve done that:
By leaving my first husband. By steadfastly believing in myself after my family didn’t believe me. By openly talking about my abuse with others who would genuinely support me.
By determinedly supporting myself and getting unwavering support from my husband and others who truly supported me. By repeatedly telling myself that I am completely safe now. By no longer leaving the wounded parts of me abandoned and desperately alone. Each time I went through intensive therapy. Each time I bravely told my story and broke the power of conditioning. Each time I faced the paralyzing terror after telling my story.
By definitively removing toxic people from my life and realizing I am worth being treated with sincere kindness. By wholeheartedly believing I am lovable. By accepting and unconditionally loving myself. By meaningfully connecting with hundreds of other survivors.
By advocating for myself and others. By bravely sharing my testimony of how I have overcome ritual abuse, mind control, and being trafficked. By speaking at Healing Together conferences, . By no longer carrying guilt, blame or shame for what was done to me. By walking in my own shoes that are Sharri sized; not trying to be somebody else. By not having to get other people’s approval or permission. By living with integrity and dignity. By having a deep respect for life and a sacredness for humanity. By having humility. By loving deeply knowing that love covers a multitude of sins and heaps burning coals of fire on those who may hate me or think of me as an enemy. By embracing the parts of me I have reclaimed instead of saying that I have dissociative identities. By fully feeling my emotions; all of them without holding them back and expressing them in appropriate ways. By my personal journaling, writing heartfelt prose, poetry, and words of affirmation to encourage myself and others. By making videos and podcasts with topics for my blog and YouTube Channel.
By claiming that my DNA is unique and different from anyone else’s and irrevocably is mine and proclaim that no one and nothing can take that away from me.
By reclaiming my body through acceptance exercises, long showers or baths, lotion, and therapeutic massage and consciously choosing to live more fully in and connected to my physical body.
By reclaiming my mind through deprogramming.
By identifying lies and replacing them with the liberating truth about myself, others and God.
By prayer and reflecting on bible verses in my little girls coloring bible.
By purposefully living my life even after I say I’m sorry will you please forgive me and they don’t.
I decisively move on every time I realize I’m not responsible for anyone else’s emotions or harsh reactions to what I honestly say with love and authentically do.
By proudly identifying as a thriver instead of just a survivor.
Now that I’ve made a decision to identify as an unstoppable overcomer, a person who not only has beat the odds of survival, but I’m moving on in the following ways:
As a liberator and emancipator I help others gain freedom while continuously strengthening and safeguarding my own.
As an advocate I speak out for myself and others who can't YET speak for themselves, encouraging them to find their voice and stand for what is just, still learning to amplify my own voice in greater ways and stand firmly in my truth each day.
As a freedom fighter, I break new ground for others while constantly reinforcing the boundaries that protect my own hard-won freedom.
As a human rights defender, I protect others' dignity while daily practicing the sacred art of honoring my own rights.
As a justice seeker, I champion others' causes while remaining vigilant in maintaining the just cause I’ve claimed for myself.
As a voice for the voiceless, amplifying others' stories I continue to speak my own.
As an anti-trafficking activist, I raise awareness and work in the fight to prevent others' exploitation while remaining mindful of and strengthening my own sovereignty letting others know that they are worth the fight it takes to get to the other side of the darkness.
As a woman who seeks to encourage and empower others, I share light and hope while nurturing my own inner flame daily.
I move on, each day I consciously choose to stay vibrantly alive.
I move on, each day I decide to live life to the absolute fullest. I move on to live my authentic life out loud on purpose for a purpose.
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