Scars are evidence of a physical injury that is done by a surgery, being knifed in a fight, or by cutting the skin that is done by a survivor who self harms or stepping onto a piece of glass. The cut heals with our without the help of stitches, bandages, and medical intervention. Some of the scars of trauma and abuse are not something that is seen by the naked eye but can be seen through addictions, behaviors, depression, anxiety and PTSD responses or disorders common to abuse like DID (dissociative identities). Recently I created a video on my YouTube channel where I talked about a couple of things that had held me captive and created lasting scars so profound and had such an impact on my life that was as crippling as if I had been in an accident that left me scarred for life. My father had died in 1984 and to keep me from remembering or telling about the cultic group that I was a part of a part of me had been threatened and tortured and told that if I ever remember or tell about what happened that I would be framed for his murder. I was given the hat that was never found at the scene of the crime. I didn't remember this until many years later after I had moved away from the area where my family lived probably about 5 years ago. Prior to leaving the area where I had been in this cultic group that had control over me I was re-accessed and reprogrammed and I had to trade my life for my current husband's life and keep from remembering or telling or they would eliminate him and frame me for his murder as well. Programming works in that a part of me kept this knowledge hidden from me until last year at 66 years of age. In many ways the emotional scars that we carry and mostly the decision we make to face our past and have healing takes determination and courage and is similar to making a decision to walk through fire to heal. I would have never chosen to go fire walking but I do know now why Ellen Bass and Laura Davis titled their book "Courage to Heal". Recovery from ritual abuse , mind control and sex trafficking has been the hardest thing I have ever done, especially walking through the landmines that were set to stop me from connecting with the memories through the parts of me who knew the truth about what happened to me. This journey has taken incredible bravery to face the intense emotional pain and go through the fires of flashbacks, memories, and breaking through programming. In the depths of our struggles, we often find ourselves walking through the fire. It's a journey marked by pain, anguish, and unimaginable challenges. Yet, amidst the flames, there exists a profound resilience—a strength born from the depths of adversity.
For me, this journey began long ago, shrouded in a world hidden from me in darkness and uncertainty. The scars of trauma ran deep, carving their mark upon my soul with a cruelty that seemed insurmountable. When I met my second husband to be, he was the first man who ever showed me unconditional love. I didn't have to do anything except be. In response to his love I would cry when he held me, but didn't connect quite with the "why". His love and tenderness melted away the denial of my past that was deeply put away and tucked under the rug. Each look under the rug, each step into facing my past felt like walking through fire, the searing pain threatening to consume me at every turn.
But through the flames, I discovered a reservoir of strength within myself—a resilience that defied all odds. I found strength to rise from the ashes, to reclaim my voice, and to stand tall in the face of adversity that hit me when I made the decision to divorce my first husband. It was the determination to heal, to fully recover, and to embrace life with unwavering courage. Losing my children in an unfair custody battle in 1990 with my mother and brother as false witnesses who testified in court that I was a "bad" mother, all to try to control me and get me to cave in to their unspoken threats and to try to get me to go back to them.
I thought I was going to die without my three children, but I got them back when they became children in need of assistance and there was a C.H.I.N.A. hearing which proved who was the unfit parent. All he cared about was to not have to pay child support, not his own children. I learned that walking through fire is not for the faint of heart. It requires a depth of resilience that can only be forged in the crucible of suffering. Yet, it is within this deep pain that we find our truest selves—the essence of who we are, stripped bare of all pretense and facade. In the midst of my darkest moments, I found solace in the knowledge that I was not alone. I had God, my husband and other survivors walking alongside me, their presence a beacon of hope in the darkness. Together, my new husband and I forged a path through the flames, each step a testament to our unwavering resolve to journey together although it was my determination and endurance even though there were times I felt like I couldn't go on, I did!
Today, as I look back on my journey, I am reminded of the resilience that lies within each of us—the strength to endure, to persevere, and to emerge stronger than before. My scars tell a story of survival, of triumph over adversity, and so do yours! We testify to the unbreakable spirit that resides within us all.
To all those who find themselves walking through fire, know that you are not alone. Though the journey may be long and arduous, the strength you need lies within you and if you know Jesus His yoke is easy and His burden is light. With courage and resilience, you too can navigate the flames and emerge victorious on the other side. Fire walking is now my activity of choice!